I learned something about myself recently. I’ve noticed that I spend the majority of my time searching for someone or something to tell me what to do. I listen to podcasts about writing and productivity and relationships and fitness. I read self-help books about everything else. I watch vloggers on YouTube and compare my schedule and work ethic to theirs even though I know nothing about their lives except what they’ve curated for me.

In other words, I seem to think that I’m clueless.

But here’s the thing: I already know the things that all of these sources are going to tell me. Now, I may not be clueless but I’m also not narcissistic; I know that these are all valuable resources with so much more knowledge than I have, but my point is I know more than enough, to the extent that now I’m trying to make an entire blog website around regurgitating it all back to the very place that it came from initially.

That sounds negative.

I don’t mean that I shouldn’t be sharing advice or that I shouldn’t continue to learn new things. On the contrary, I want to blog and listen to my informational podcasts. But this weekend, as I was scouring YouTube for random fitness routines because I was caught up on my subscribers list, I realized that it’s not knowledge that I’m seeking anymore, it’s distraction.

I’m looking for an excuse.

This whole post sounds like I’m gearing up for a pitch about “How-To Stop Procrastinating” or “How-To Do the Damn Thing” but it’s not, I’m sorry to disappoint. (I might title this post exactly that, so I’m doubly sorry if I click-baited you.) I have no idea why I’m looking for excuses or how to stop. Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? Am I just lazy? Or bored? Do I have such low self-confidence that I think I truly don’t know anything? Do I have a legitimate psychological issue?

I don’t know for sure, but I’m starting to suspect the fear option. I suspect that I’m trying to distract myself with the idea that I need more knowledge because of my paralyzing fear that if I start without all the information I won’t be good enough or smart enough to succeed.

Oof.

I don’t know how to remedy this fear, but I’m going to try. And lucky for no one, along with being an avid advice-taker I also happen to be a serial advice-giver. It’s a real problem. So I don’t know exactly where to start with this, but I’m going to document it on the blog. It isn’t like me to struggle with jumping in feet first. I mean, this whole site was started on a whim and essentially serves as a record of all the projects that I start on my many whims. But for some reason I’m stuck. This won’t be well-put-together, “How-To” style, advice blogs, it’s going to be my messy recounting of what I’m doing to become a better adult. I’m going to attempt to write through my struggles. Yikes.

So that was my existential crisis for the week; how are you? Is anyone else as lost as I am?

Oh! And I’m also a hypochondriac, apparently. I started watching Grey’s Anatomy for the first time ever this weekend and now I have a plethora of tumors, at least two brain abnormalities that went undiagnosed when I was a child, a heart condition that I have no reason to suspect I have, and my husband (who I’ve been with since we were both 17) has a secret, beautiful, successful, doctor wife who will definitely show up soon. It’s been great. I’m great.